the boys are fightingggggg
january 16, 2025
here's some comics about my fursonas.
i have so many of these god damn things because i use them to process my feelings.
one of the things that's been causing me a lot of pain for a long time is a feeling that i've lost some large chunk of my soul somewhere, and it was the thing from which i pulled all of my creativity. i have not felt a drive to tell stories or write characteres in years and years, when it used to be the only thing i cared about. that left me with a feeling of loss and hollowness. everything i make seems kind of pointless if there's no story to tell (obviously not true, but that's how it feels).
however, when i write these characters, what they say and think comes to me easily. i know exactly what they think and feel, and i can put it to paper instantly, like i'm in a flow state. it's like writing about an apartment full of people who live together, and what binds them, for better or worse, is their relationship to me, the person who made them, and the person they are a part of. i think that's an interesting dynamic. or maybe it's not. who cares. it's fun.
funnelcake, the rabbit, is the focus here because i remembered her personality very suddenly when thinking about her. i didn't realize that, in all this time, any time i'd draw her, it was some idealized version of her that had never existed. she's not charming and feminine. she's blunt, and barrels through conversations like a drunk bull.
i originally made funnelcake to roleplay with my partner on tegaki E when i was in highschool. because she was conceived of as a mascot, and not a direct representation of myself, there was a lot of freedom in how i chose to write and present her. she was a voice to my real feelings that, in real life, i kept to myself. because she wasn't me, i didn't have to worry about making her palatable and likable. exactly like what white became, she turned into a foul-mouthed clown, who earnestly spoke whatever she believed to be most true. but, unlike with white, i never felt any shame about it. the shame would come later, and white would have an extra dimension of bitterness to them that she never did. funnelcake could get angry, but she was boundlessly joyful as well. white seemed unable to escape their bitterness.
these days, i think white is just tired. they want to sink into the background. i've been leaning on them very heavily for a long time. funnelcake isn't thrilled to be here, seeing as she's the remnants of a 17 year old's last memories of childhood happiness now entering into the brain of a very mentally ill 33 year old man. but i think it'll be fine. she'll have fun here with the rest of us.
incidentally, when i was drawing her, i kept getting a very strong feeling of, "i think she would rather go by different pronouns." maybe they/them? i don't know. will have to think on it further. i don't think she would be bothered by she/her, but i don't think she likes it either.