depersonalization
march 23, 2025
i drew the first three pages of this last week, but didn't really know what i was going to do with it. then i kinda had an epiphany while i was stoned again, and after thinking about it for a while, decided i was going to bother with these after all.
then after reading the first three pages again, i started to understand where my discomfort was coming from, and that's where the final two pages come from.
the thing is, i'm not depersonalizing all the time. i'm not right now, and i drew this approximately 5 hours ago (from time of writing), while i was depersonalizing. reading it now, it sounds ridiculous. of course my identity exists outside of the confines of a sheet of paper. but when i'm depersonalizing, i don't exist at all. the cartoon characters that flicker in and out of perception in my brain become as real as i am, and it's a strange feeling to have ever believed that they only live in the ink markings on paper and in my own imagination. my identity is as constructed as they are, so who am i do deny their reality?
but then i go back to normal and recognize it for what it is, and everything recedes into shadows again.
i kinda had the realization that starling is who i become when i'm depersonalizing. i didn't make him with that intention, but that's what happens. he took up that mantle by being the most recent new iteration of my bird fursona. there's only one of me. i usually project myself into whitewood because he's been the symbol i use for myself (my REAL self) for the longest amount of time. the cartoons themselves aren't what's important. they're not separate people, they're just humanizations of versions of myself that i fixate on when i feel unstable.
for the longest time, i have felt like "two" people, in a manner of speaking. i'm the "me" i am normally, and i'm the "me" i become when i'm Not Normal. that's the depersonalization. it finally makes sense to me. maybe i can, at long fucking last, move on from this. i'm so tired of it.