wake up
july 18, 2025
dealing with strange feelings (mostly bad ones) and dealing with being who i am.
okay, so, i guess i should explain. sometimes there's stuff online i see that triggers bad feelings and then i have to sort those out. the thing that caused this was seeing the phrase, "do you enjoy your own company? not tolerate, but enjoy?" in the context of accusing the reader to interrogate their bigotry. so, of course, i had a bunch of feelings that culminated in, "i spent something like 30 years of my life despising my own company. i guess that makes me a bigot."
obviously, being mentally ill is not an indicator that you are a bigot. it is actually a little bit mean to imply that it is. i get the point, right, like, "are you such a shitty person to everyone around you all the time that you must hate spending time alone with your own thoughts?" but this is a false correlation. there are many reasons someone might hate being alone with their own thoughts, and chief among them is not because they take their pain out on marginalized people.
so of course i had to then remind myself that, though it is recent, i DO like myself and my own company. it took a lot of work, a lot of time, and a lot of thinking to like myself. it is not a lie when i say i like myself. feeling betrayed by your own emotions and becoming upset and moody over it seems silly to say out loud, but i guess that's how it is sometimes.