two truths and a lie
september 18, 2023
this is actually the first comic i started drawing for this website (all the way back in mid-june), but i tried drawing it digitally first, which i hated deeply. i didn't get around to re-sketching it on decent paper until recently. it would probably make more sense to have it be the first thing you see when you click on this section of the site, but whatever.
anyway, i really don't feel that the symbolism is any less than blaringly obvious, so i won't waste time explaining the thing directly. you can very plainly see what i'm getting at, i think. actually, it was kind of stupid to make the goat look like my fursona, because it kind of implies the opposite of what i intended. so the meaning might be slightly muddier than i wanted. man whatever. you get it.
to the surprise of not one single person who knows me, this is about god damn autism again. when you're a kid and also a bit of a dipshit, you go through life like "hmm, it sure is a consistent fact in my life that i'm not just slightly different from other people, but like, significantly so. i'm sure it's fine." words said before a lifetime of experiencing an internal feeling of alienation that leads to a growing obsession with finding people who have similar experiences to mine (challenge level: impossible).
i'm not feeling articulate today. i'm actually really tired and i have a headache, and there are, like, infinite chores i need to do.
what i mean when i say "twisting my insides" in the comic, is "trying to convert my very specific and individualized feelings into the generalized 'canon' of literature using familiar symbols and shorthands to convey a widely understandable message." i can do that thing when i want to, easily. actually, i think i'm pretty good at saying a lot with images without requiring a ton of explanation.
the problem is that sometimes through the process of conversion into Consumable Symbols, you convert something very personal and very autistic into the language of allistics. in the way that using the language of imperalist capitalism to try to define something like anarchism can do the opposite and re-affirm the oppressor's ideas (relevant essay here).
it took me a really long time to figure out that that was what was creating my boiling resentment every time i tried to sit down and actually put my feelings to paper. it was why, for a while, i felt like i could only do so through writing. because i feel that i have a strong enough grasp on language to be either as metaphorical or as concise as i need to be without making concessions to available space, readability, my own art skills, or the fact that drawing takes infinitely longer and uses far more energy. all for a result that can, at times, be less transparant than just fucking SAYING WHAT I MEAN.
and then there are other times where written language doesn't cut it. it can't possibly impart a specific emotion exactly the way i intend better than just drawing a picture about it. these two things are ever warring within me. in fact, i kind of gave up and started working on something else that mixes the two things together instead of trying to commit to one or the other. why limit myself when things come to me in either monologues or visions. i don't give a shit. i'm going to do whatever i want.
and that's kind of the point of this. whether it alienates people from what i make or not, i'm going to do whatever the fuck i want. and yeah, it does bother me, but i don't want to compromise on my vision or my feelings. if i can't be fully myself about any of it, then what's the fucking point?