self actualization
august 25, 2024
well, would you look at that. something almost resembling an actual comic page. well, the second part anyway.
hey, you remember on the directory page when i said all these were extremely personal? okay well, now's your chance to dip out if online oversharing causes you extreme second-hand embarrassment. know that i share this information in my personal space because i feel confident in doing so. okay? thanks.
anyway, here's what i wrote about this when i was blasted out of mind, as is appropriate. it was originally posted to sheezy.art, a place that i enjoy because everyone there seems very kind and earnest.
"anyways, since i have to mark this mature due to the throat cutting, i might as well talk about the context of being stoned while writing, drawing, and experiencing these things. i was talking to rox (my bff i live with) about how compartmentalization due to trauma has made me feel like my emotions have been shut away in a garage, but i can see the freakish, earth-shaking rave happening in garage from under the door when i'm Sober. when i get high (THC, it's just weed), it's like the garagedoor FLIES OPEN and i can feel my full spectrum of emotions like a normal person. it is CRAZY how much i've figured out about my feelings by being able to FEEL them. due to the weed.
"i literally spent decades of introspection trying to figure myself out and got NOWHERE. i'm 32 years old, and it's only been the past TWO YEARS i felt i've made any amount of progress. i went to therapy and learned that i'm too fucking autistic for people to understand my inner world. the only person on the planet who really and truly understands me is my best friend, rox, but he can't be my therapist. that isn't fair to him. he has trauma too, he can't always be absorbing my pain.
"so i've been trying to do it myself. i've been digging around in my brains when i can feel what's going on there (due, once more, to weed), and i've discovered so much shit dawg. you have no idea. every last one of us is an unmapped ocean of shit, and sometimes you just have to put the fucking atmospheric diving suit on and get fuckin truckin.
"so that's what this is. this was me exploring the realization that recognizing my dead self was what put it to rest. it dropped off me like a rock when i recognized it, but i picked it back up and examined it closely and decided i wanted it to be a part of me. i took that old part of myself into myself and through that merging i feel that i have come out on the otherside changed for the better. i think i finally understand who i am, and that's an insane thing for me to say for two reasons: (1) i used to be SO confident in my identity when i was a child. i knew exactly who i was, and what i wanted out of life. i knew what i valued, and pursued the things i wanted without hesitation. (2) at some point that changed without me fully recognizing that it was happening, like a frog boiling in a pot. i only realized the actual extent of how much of my identity i'd lost when that crucial moment of seeing the entire expanse of my dead self occurred.
"if none of this makes any sense, and it probably doesn't, i'm sorry lmfao! again: i have been going through some shit."
i just know there's someone out there who's done way more drugs than simply Babby Weed who's saying some shit like "shrooms would fix him" right now.