dead and dying
april 25, 2026
one of the things about having a dissociative disorder is that when you stop dissociating, everything comes back. dissociating keeps me from killing myself, but it makes me a zombie. actually being able to feel my feelings means that i'm right back where i once was, and the desire to die because i can't imagine a future i want to live in is stronger than ever.
i knew it was especially bad, because i stopped feeling guilty and only felt tired. i wished that people didn't care about me so that dying wouldn't matter.
one of the reasons this website exists and that i only post the phone pic versions of these comics to my bluesky account and the cleaned up versions here is because i don't want to burden people with my pain. i don't want it to be spectacle before anything else, but i especially don't want pity from strangers. it's not that i feel contempt for that sympathy, i don't. i appreciate it. pity isn't an evil thing, it's a human extending compassion to another human, even if sometimes a lot of people feel that that compassion is humiliating. in some ways, it can be.
there is a kind of embarrassment to admitting to staggering weaknesses such as these. but i also don't want to bother anyone. if there is something to learn, something that extends beyond just me and my situation, maybe i will share that thing sometimes. maybe there's some value in it. but stuff like this, just the direct expression that i wish to die, this is the mindset of someone already committed to the idea of death. it's substanceless and bleak. it affirms the wish to die, it doesn't challenge it. sometimes people need to see that affirmation to know they aren't alone. but you can't over-indulge in it, or else you will convince yourself that there really is no future.
if there was no purpose at all to it, i would just delete it. there is barely purpose to it. it struggles to justify itself. but i do think maybe it does, a little bit, to someone.
also, and i really need to give myself time to commit to the idea because it's scary and difficult, but i have talked about these troubles with someone i love, and i do think, at this point, i am no longer capable of handling these problems on my own, and it would be best to seek professional help. which i will try to do. maybe if i write it down here, it will force me to have to keep that promise to myself instead of continuing to kick the can down the road. i have to be able to believe that there is something or someone that can help, and there is some exit from this state of existence.