channeling funnelcake (his name) is like putting my hand on a hot stove on purpose. bro is unbearably dour.
november 11, 2025
if there is any one of these mother fuckers in my head who feels real, it's this guy. that isn't to say i think he is, i don't, but it's crazy how i can kind of summon him up and feel all kinds of emotions coming from him - essentially a past version of myself - as if i have a photocopy of them from almost 20 years ago lying around. they've aged a couple decades, shit is all yellowed and fucked up, but otherwise it's exactly what it's always been. me when i was 17.
just a fun fact, his reaction to me saying so ("you feel real to me") was a mixture of anger, bitterness, sadness (feeling of wanting to cry) and something along the lines of, "no shit, fuck you, i'm not your OC," etc. i don't think that, dude. you're obviously not my OC. you're my fursona, dumbass. you're ME, big dog.
the dialogue from funnelcake in this comic was actually something that i didn't comprehend for months. i had no idea what he was trying to say. i just wrote it down as i was feeling it. but looking at it now, it makes sense. he's right, inventing a new fursona and projecting myself into it ISN'T a change in identity. i desperately want it to be, usually, because i don't want to be who i am. sometimes. nowadays, this is less often the case.
what he was clocking was my confusion with who i am, and the reality that i'm not a fragmented mess, i'm just mentally ill (him calling me crazy with the hand gesture).
anyway, i don't really know what the fuck any of this is. i also don't really care anymore. i've had someone arm-chair diagnose me as, like, DID but in denial, and that pissed me off because i'm 99% sure that's not what's going on. whatever it is my brain is doing as a coping mechanism, it ISN'T creating different, autonomous people who AREN'T ME in my head. i don't know what a pull-string talking plush doll with a version of my personality and emotions from 2009 is, but it isn't a DID alter. he only responds when spoken to, and has no autonomy at all. it's like, i don't know, talking into a mirror. it's me reacting to me. you don't actually have to try to shove everyone with strange dissociative shit happening to them into the same box. you can just let me be a weird outlier. it's Fine, Actually.
i don't say all this because i think having DID would be shameful, i don't. in fact, what's happening to me would be a lot easier to process if it was DID, because then i could at least have other people to compare it to to understand it. when i read about the experiences of people with DID, i cannot relate even a little bit. i depersonalize all the damn time, and derealize sometimes, and dissociate near constantly. OBVIOUSLY some weird shit is going to happen because of that.
sorry about the tangent, i guess. it's been bothering me.